Welcome to the world Rylee Jo!!!

I held her in for 11 days!

It was now  March 9, 2011.

The morning I went into labor that was all I could think of.  Was 11 days good enough?  Was 11 days going to be good enough?  I was so unsure of what I was about to head into.  This was something that Jim and I could never of predicted.  We didn't realize that by the endof day our dream for the last 8 years ould have been shattered and a new one would begin.

Let me start at the beginning of the day...

I woke up at 7 am that morning; just like I had for the last 11 days.  All my vitals were checked and I was given my "yummy" breakfast tray.  I began to pick at the breakfast when I started to feel very uncomfortable.  I was having a lot of pain in my back.  I looked at the monitor, that was strapped to my belly, to see if I was having any contractions.  I had been having small ones on and off for the entire 11 days so I figured I would see something.  And I did.  The same ole' thing I had been seeing since I was admitted.

But the thing was, it didn't feel the same.  Every 15 minutes I was having sharp pain in my back and I was beginning to feel something in my belly.  Because it wasn't registering at the monitor I kept telling myself that Rylee was just moving alot and that my body was just tired of being in the bed.  Now thinking back I do not understand why I continuously doubt my gut instinct.  I always second guess myself.  I need to realize that I am capable of making good judgements and just go with them.  Anyways...

I then started waking Jim up.  If I was going to be in pain I definately did not want to be in pain alone.  After about 10 minutes Jim rose out of his very comfortable chair/ bed (ha!) and I caught him up to speed on how I was feeling.  He did what he always does and reasoned with me. 

I called the nurse in and explained to her what I was feeling.  She said that she would call the doctor but in the meantime she suggested that I try to eat some breakfast and go to the bathroom.  Although I knew that it was contractions I was feeling she felt, that because they weren't registering well, that they probably were only Braxton Hicks contractions.  The movement and the food would help me feel better.  She promised that she would call the doctor and that she should be here to talk to me within the hour.

By the time the time my doctor came to my room I was crying.  I couldn't at the time explain why I was crying.  I was in pain but I had definately had been in way worse pain in my life.  I now know that I was crying because I was hurting, I knew what was coming and I was scared for what was coming.  While we were there for the 11 days we had a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) nurse come to my room to talk to us about what would happened if we delivered before 38 weeks.  We knew physical what to expect but emotionally I had no idea.  I didn't exactly know what caring for a premature baby would entail.  Our first daughter was full term and I didn't have any other experience having a child other than her.  So NICU here we come!


After talking with my doctor she felt that it was Braxton Hicks contractions but because I was crying and that I insisted that it was the real thing so decided that she would give me some medicine to ease my pain.  She said that if it was unreal labor that it would ease the pain and help me to sleep but that if it was real labor I would continue to be in pain and I would be real sleepy.  All I could think was, Great!  Now I am going to feel like a zombie all day while I am in labor.  I KNEW at this point that I was in labor.  Before she left she checked to see if I was dialated and I was only at a 1 and about 30% effaced.  She said this was normal with the breakage of water and she still felt that I would be fine once I got the meds.  Then she left assuring me she would check in with me later.

Then the nurse came in and gave me my meds through the IV.  She said to give it about half an hour and that I should be feeling loads better. One thing you must know about me is that it doesn't take long for medicine to work on me.  I can take children's sleepy time medicine and it works just as well as adult strength.  So when she said that I looked at Jim, smiled, and thought whatever.  I will be a zombie in about 10 minutes. And I was right! About the same time I started feeling VERY sleepy I had another contraction and this time it regitered on the monitor.  Jim suggested that I call the nurse and let her know.  I, doing what I always do, underplayed it.  I didn't want to call her and take her away from another patient for her to just tell me that I was fine.  So I dealt with it. 

At this point I looked and felt like death.  Oh how I dreamt of having a hollywood style labor.  I would look and feel marvelous.  But no, I did not.  I was uncomfortable and no matter how I sat, laid, or moved I was miserable.  So I called the nurse.  She then called the doc.  I was checked and was told that I was officially in labor.  I was already progress to 75% effaced and I was dialated to about a 3.  So then all the preperations for delivery began. 

Jim started making his phonecalls.  He told everyone not to rush becasue I was in the early stages and that it could be until about dinner  time before we were going to be able to meet Rylee.  We didn't know that I was going to be a professional baby deliverer.  (ha!)  It seemed that everytime the doc checked I was up 1 or 2 centimeters.  Really this was going extremely fast.  It seemed that every 15 minutes Jim was calling and updating everyone on my progress.



So then our family started showing up.  We all relaized that this was going to happen sooner rather than later.  We were all so excited to meet Rylee.  You could feel the excitement in the room.                                                                                                                                                                                               

Averi was finally going to have a sibling.  It wasn't a brother but she was finally OK with having a sister and today she was finally going to meet her!

So now we anxiuosly await her arrival! (or painfully in my case)

Our entirely family did their part to make me feel comfortable but I honestly couldn't feel comfortable no matter what I did.  In the back of my mind I was terrified. 

But no matter my pain or worries our family did everything they could to ease it.  Even putting on their smiley faces helped in that brief moment.

After a very hard epidural, I am not going to take up too much time with explaining how I should never get another epidural again and how my body is not capable of handling having one put in, and few hours later I was ready to push.  I couldn't believe it was here.  I was finally going to be able to hold the baby I had been dreaming of for 8 years.

So here goes nothing....

One push, two push, half a push, OUT!!!!!

Thats all it took.  Holding onto Jim's hand I pushed out our beautiful baby girl.  I was crying with excitement.  We had done it.  We had brought into the world the first woman president, an olympic gold medalists, or the person whe finds the cure for cancer.  Or anything she wanted to be.  All I knew was that I loved her with my WHOLE heart.  This was something that God had given to Jim and I.  A chance to be a parent again.  What a wonderful gift!!!!

What?

What did she just say?

I looked to Jim for clarification.  I was unsure of what was happening.  I could hear her crying but I didn't get to see her or touch her or kiss her or see Jim cut the cord or....

Did my doctor just say, "Oh my Gosh, She has spina bifida!".  Huh?

What does that mean.  Why won't they let me see her?  Why, now all of a sudden are there 4 more nurses rushign into the room?  Why are they saying she can't move her legs? 

I had all of these, and more, questions but I couldn't find my voice.  I couldn't even find words to say to Jim.  What do I say to him?  I felt like I had let him down in some way.  I wasn't able to give him the experience he deserved. 

I hated that at the moment I was supposed to be the happiest I had ever been I was crying and scared.  I felt like I was in a bubble.  I didn't, I couldn't process what was going on around me.  How could something be wrong with this child I had dreamed about for 8 years.  She was perfect.  She was supposed to be perfect.  Thats what our sonograms told us. 

NOT FAIR!!! NOT FAIR!!!  This is what I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.  NOT FAIR!!!  WHY ME!!!!  I couldn't seem to get a grip on reality.  I started to feel like I was in a dream.  I didn't know how to wake up.

They took her.  I didn't even get to see her or hold her and they took her.  Jim went with them.  I was alone and freaking out.  I think it was that moment that I completely lost it.  I dropped way down into a place that I had never really been before.  Where was I and would anyone find me?  Would I be stuck here forever.

The next thing I knew my mom was there.  Could she rescue me?  So I cried!  As I know now crying was my way of screaming, HELP ME!!!  I AM LOST!!!  No one knew what to say.  What was there to say.  None of us knew what Spina bifida was.  We weren't sure at this point if it was a death sentence or if this was something we could work through. 

Really we couldn't come up with the right questions to even get any answers.  So we were lost.  I was lost! 

 After a couple hours, and many tears and prayers, I was finally able see Rylee.  She was in the NICU being prepped to be transferred to another hospital that could better help her.  I was still unable to hold her but I was able to touch her hand.  She grppied onto  mine like she knew I was her mom.  Like she knew I was supposed to be nowhere else but by her side.

Its official, we were new parents of a beautiful babt girl.  A beautiful baby girl that has spina bifida.

There were so many things we werer going to have learn because at this moment we were unsure of what our future held.  But all we knew for sure was that we loved her!



Rylee Jo Betts ~ March 9, 2011 ~ 3 lbs. 12 oz. ~ 17 inches long



What an IDIOT!

Strap on your seat belts...this is going to be a long ride! 

I am going to have to break this up into more than one posting because it will be entirely too long to put into one.  This way it will be easier to skip over the parts you don't want to read.  :)

I am going to do my best to catch everyone up from day 1 of Rylee's arrival into the Betts' family.  It has been a long journey so I might very well leave something out.  So if it is confusing and I need to clarify please do not hesitate to ask me anything.  I am an open book.  Well, I am now.  This is something I need to work on (letting people in on how I am really doing).  Thanks to my big sis Kimber and a couple other people I have realized it is OK to respond to peoples questions with. "No, I am not OK and here is why...) I guess the rambling has already started.  Let me get to the topic at hand.  Alright, here goes nothing...

I will begin by letting everyone know how I arrived at the hospital 29 weeks into my pregnancy.  And for those of you who are counting that is 11 weeks before I was due.  It began with a night out with one of my closest friends Michelle.  It was the first night of my entire pregnancy that I felt good enough to leave the house for anything other than work.  We went out to eat and then to a play at The Vex.  It was a wonderful evening.  I was really enjoying myself.  We met up with Jim, my husband, and Ryan, her husband, at their house.  It was about ten o'clock in the evening and to every one's surprise I was not tired nor was I ready to go home.  I was thoroughly enjoying my conversation and company with Michelle.  Jim offered to take me home but I declined.  Jim was surprised because I was in bed and asleep by nine o'clock every evening during my pregnancy.  This should have been a red flag that something might be wrong but I just thought that I was finally going to get to enjoy pregnancy like everyone else I knew.  This was something Jim and I had wanted for 8 years and I wanted to enjoy it damn it.  :)

But anyways...So now it was about two in the morning, yes two in the morning,  and we were hanging outside in the driveway talking.  The men were smoking cigars and the girls were laughing and making fun of the boys.  A typical night at the best friends house (ha!).  I was actually starting to get tired so I started giving Jim the cues.  Standing up, walking around, then sitting down! Standing up, walking around, then sitting down! Standing up, walking around, then sitting down! Then I was standing next to the car in the driveway and all of a sudden i feel something wet in my pants.  Really?  Did I just pee my pants?  I know pregnant women have bladder issues but this is ridiculous!!!  At this point I was embarrassed.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't want to scream from the rooftops, "Hey everyone, I just peed my pants!".  So I did the only thing my crazy pregnant brain could think of to do; I sat down.  All I could think of was it was dark outside and I was wearing dark pants.  No one would be able to tell.  After all, Jim was happy that we weren't leaving so no one would notice that I was sitting on the concrete having an anxiety attack and dying from embarrassment.   

So I decided then, 15 minutes later, to call Jim over to me.  He knelt down I whispered in his ear that I had emptied my bladder all over myself.  He just looked at me and said, "Seriously?".  I am sure at that point he really didn't know what to say.  I looked at him longing for him to whip me up into his arms and take me away from this embarrassment.  But all he did was just look at me.  Really, what else could he do.  Then I decided to make it worse for myself.

Loud enough for everyone to hear I ask Jim to get me a glass of water.  All I could think of was I needed that water to dump on my lap so everyone would think I had spilled water on myself instead of what I actually had done.  As he was walking away I yelled, "alot of ice please!".  What?  Did I actually say that?  Why would I say.  Oh yeah, because if I was really going to drink it I would have a lot of ice.  This is how I drink all my drinks but I wasn't going to drink this one.  What an IDIOT!

So, like a good husband, Jim brings me a glass of ICE cold water.  Now what?  My brain kept telling me that I had to follow through with my plan.  There was no way I was going to leave with my dignity in tact if I didn't.  In reflection I now see that my hormonal crazy pregnant brain was taking over all my actions.  I now see that I should of just said something and gone straight to the hospital.  But, I didn't.  I kept moving around, peeing more on myself, just so I could find the right time to dump this water in my lap.  I finally did it.  Then I made a big deal about it so everyone would notice that I had done it.  We all chuckled a bit and the night continued.  No one the wiser.  Then I started thinking that I hadn't done it enough (crazy pregnant brain in over drive again) so I dumped the rest of the glass in my lap.  Now I was soak AND freezing from all the ice water.  Again I say, What an IDIOT!

I then motioned from Jim to come over to me.  I said that we needed to leave.  I was soaked and uncomfortable.  I asked Michelle for a towel to sit on in the truck.  I didn't want to soak Jim's truck seat.  Being that Michelle didn't know exactly how soaked I was she brought me a hand towel which of course was not big enough.  All I had to do was tell her I needed a bigger one but I didn't want her to know exactly what was happening so I thanked her and asked Jim to help me up.  He reached out with both hands and pulled me up.  Doing this applied pressure to my stomach and out came more "pee" and it maybe loud gushing noise that even Jim heard.  His eyes got huge!  He asked if I was OK and I told him that I was.  I just wanted to get home and into dry clothes.  So he helped me into the truck.  There was so much "pee" all over me that I dripped all the way to the truck!

At this point I should have known something was wrong but I could not let myself believe that it was actually happening.  I was still telling myself that I was still only peeing.  What an IDIOT!

I cried almost the whole way home.  I don't know if it was from embarrasment or that I was just plain scared.  Either way I was upset.  Poor Jim!  He didn't know whether to feel sorry for me or to be scared with me but he was great.  He wanted to take me straight to the hospital but I insisted he take me home so that I could change clothes.  I was still convinced that it was only pee.  He was convinced that my water had broke. 

WHAT!?!  My water broke?

That never crossed my mind.   This couldn't be happening.  I couldn't be having her now.  It wasn't time.   We weren't ready.  What would it mean for Rylee that my water broke!  Now I am scared!!!

Jim took me home.  I changed into dry clothes and peed all in those too.  So I jumped on the Jim train.  I needed to go to the hospital and I needed to go now.  I put on more clother, that I soiled as well, and we were back in the truck.  Once we arrived at the hospital I waddled my wet butt inside and told them that I thought something might be wrong.  I told them that I kept peeing on myself and I wasn't sure why.  I am sure they thought, What and IDIOT!  (ha!)

So they brought out the wheelchair and wheeled me over to the labor and delivery floor.  I got hooked up to all kinds of monitors, starte an IV and tucked me into bed.  After the sonogram showed that I had lost almost all of the amniotic fluid (it was official, I was an idiot) I was told that I would be in the hospital until Rylee's arrival.  I was given steriods to help Rylee's development and meds to try and keep me from delivering.  I was told that it would be ideal if I could hold out until 38 weeks but 31 weeks would be alright too.

So now a waiting game.  And waiting we did.  What seemed liked an eternity was really only 11 days.  I held her in for 11 days. Now the "fun" would begin.  I was going to be able to see the angel that I had been waiting for for 8 years.  The baby I had been dreaming about would be here soon; only she would be in a different package...

Work In Progress

Since Rylee was born I have been looking for a way to help me cope with everything that is going on and also try and keep everyone updated on Rylee's progress.  We have been so thankful for all the thoughts and prayers from everyone.  So, after thinking of something that could help me along this road title Spina Bifida (SB), I decided that starting a blog was the best route to take.

I am going to try and post regulary.  Things with Rylee change so often and I truly want everyone to be with us on this journey.  But please keep in mind that I am also a mother to another child (Averi who is 11), wife (for almost 10 years) and I am also in grad school (yes I am a glutten for punishment).  But with this in mind I am also going to make this a priority as well.

PREWARNING...I am probably going to at times ramble on and on about things that some of you might not want to hear about.  Please, feel free, and skip over my rambles.  I am struggling to find my footing as a special needs mother and I think this blog will help me to stand a little straighter.  So, at times, I might be using this blog as a way for me to vent my frustrations, stress, annoyance and also happiness.  So, I urge you, continue to come and read all about Rylee and her CRAZY mom!!!